Fizban

For The Longest Time

2007-03-13T23:55:55Z

Ok, so it's been a while since I've posted here last. And to be honest, I thought that my LJ was pretty valueless, and that only emos and other depressed losers used LJ. And that's probably true.

But on reading some of my past posts, I see that some actually very important times in my life have been chronicled on here. Wow.

But it's now 2007, and loads of time has passed since I posted last. What has happened since I had that nightmare? Upon rereading that post, I realise I still remember having that nightmare, although I don't remember the actual stuff. When I first started reading it, I thought someone had hacked my LJ account and posted something weird. But I remembered bits of it.

Before that, was the fight between my two bosses. Wow. I remember that.

Anyway, since all that, I've become a leader of my church (I would say "Yay!" but at the moment it's quite a trial), we've made a good amount of good friends up here in Queensland, we've had visitors from Sydney several times, we've seen the marriages of a lot of people we know, I've started playing Discworld MUD again (the reason I even looked at LJ again, actually), I've been running a D&D game for about 2 years now, I'm hopefully starting a Mage game tonight, and I live in an apartment overlooking the Brisbane river which we probably won't be able to afford past the end of this year.

Exciting!

Penny and I have also been attending Bible college for 1 subject a semester for the last two years. This year is OT study. It's quite enlightening. Lots of reading, but then, if it wasn't, it wouldn't be postgraduate, would it?

Although this isn't something that has been groundbreaking in the last couple of years, I have seen Flags of Our Fathers and, just yesterday, Letters from Iwo Jima. Two absolutely awesome movies, which showed me straight up how ballsy Clint Eastwood is. Watching these movies in a few years time, people might wonder why Eastwood was seen as so couragous. But we're at war now, and he makes two movies, one about the intricate lies of the Iwo Jima flag-raising in order to raise money through war bonds, and the other showing the humanity (albeit completely culturally different) of an ancient hated enemy, and yet he still seems to give the idea that war is justifiable! Genius.

I'll also chronicle that we have a new (2002 model) car, courtesy of Penny's grandmother. Best Christmas gift ever! May God bless her for that.

I don't see myself posting on here regularly. I do post every day on my Bible reading blog. But perhaps I will come back here every now and again, and post some sort of update. Seems foolish not to.

Nightmare

2005-05-15T22:12:57Z

The dream began with a woman spearing the heads of the townfolk on a long spike, talking absently to one of the heads, which was spiked on the spire of the church.

Flick back, now, to a dark stormy night. 3 friends ride bikes down a windy pedestrian walkway, and take a turn into a small fenced square, like a little culvert on a walkway that is a small gap left between suburban house properties, except that one leads to the bank of a river, stream or some other water. As they enter the culvert, another man rides a bike very hastily into the culvert from another entrance - the startled riders all swerve to miss each other, and in a blink, disappear into some sort of portal.

Switching back to the small town, during the sunny day. A woman, some sort of ghost, seems to haunt a decrepit house with an open door. She fades into and out of corporeality - her looks changing from that of a young woman in a dress to that of a walking corpse, in tattered cloth.

At one point she strays outside, looking normal. She can't cross over onto the grass (of the chapel?) - this frightens her and she flees back inside.

There is a woman's soccer team practicing outside, and she wants to join. But every time they say the Lord's prayer (which seems is quite a lot), she withers, and they must kiss her to make her better. This happens a couple of times, and she asks the coach if he would give up the saying Lord's prayer for her. He falls in love with her, and searches for a way to make her human again.

Flashback to her living days - a fat, arrogant older man (she is just a teen) wants to take her, and says he'll scalp her if she doesn't comply. Everyone else leaves (seems this is a matter of honour - she must defend herself by her sword) and they are left pointing swords at each other. She retreats behind him, dropping her sword in front of him. He seems to be happy with this, thinking he's going to get some. She then draws a second sword and kills him with a quick thrust, and a few more slices desecrate the body by chopping it up, but only a little, not over the top.

She goes through the back of the tavern to the outside (facing the centre of town) and there is a large group of people there, many young girls who have been scalped. They all seem fairly relieved that the older man is dead, and people greet and congratulate her, until one says something bad about killing him, and then another makes a joke about her, asking not to be killed because he does something wrong. It soon becomes a mockery of her...

Back to the soccer coach, and he has found a liquid that will bring her to life. He gives it to her, and instantly her life is restored - but the truth is revealed: she used him to regain her body, so that she might go on another killing spree. He instantly jumps on her and slits her throat, and she begins to boil and transform into a demon-like writhing mass. he sprays her with the liquid again, and everything goes pear-shaped - the sky darkens, and people flee.

Our bike riders return, fleeing from their own thoughts betraying them - one hides on a rooftop, and looks across the road into a chemist, seeing an ad for panadol, and realises he has a headache. A box of panadol then starts walking its way to him from the chemist. At first, he thinks this is very handy, but then realises that all the panadol from all the houses in the town are making their way towards him - marking him out to the demon. He runs off the roof, finds his bike and rides, and then sees the entrance into the culvert that the strange biker came in through. He rides through it wildly, and there sees the other bikers riding in - they swerve, hit the portal, and vanish once more. And all I can see is the culvert, in the dark once more, with its fences, along side the bank of some still water.

After a while, the scene changes to Harrison Ford in a speed boat with a young boy, who looks evil. He seems to try and use his mind, or perhaps fevered strength, to wrench the anchor out of the water (it is not an anchor but a log tied to rope) and swing it at Ford, who guns the engine and sends the boy into the water, holding the rope and dragging behind.

Now I'm in a room with three other guys, seemingly younger. They are the ones behind this evil boy, somehow. They need to knock themselves out to deal with the problem, and have little three-pronged tools which have different uses. If the prongs are green, they will knock you out, yellow they do something else, and red will kill.

One of them gives me his tool, and I stab another boy in the hand while he stabs me in the hand with these tools. Then we realise that in a mix up (or was it intentional?) I have been hit with the killing version. I ask for the antedote, and they give me a box. I open it, and it has a strange assortment of stuff - A small piece of hay, a model house, and little tombstone. At first, I think the hay is the antedote and try to eat it, but the boy corrects me, "I've done this before, but the stuff in my box was different. You've got to arrange it properly somehow".

As I look at the stuff again, I think about arranging it, when suddenly I appear (or is it Elijah Wood? Not sure) and begin prodding myself, saying "Wake up, Ben".

Bah

2004-11-10T00:10:42Z

Just had a massive ideological debate with my two bosses. My mind is twirling all over the place with the things that we discussed, and I've got no idea what to do.

I'm thinking that I should just let it go, tell them that I want nothing to do with the decision-making, that I will just do what they want and be done with it.

I mean, that is going to be the end result: no matter how much we argue about it, they are the bosses, and strong-minded at that, so I won't change their minds, and it will just end up being a divisive issue. So better to let them do what they want to be done, think about the issue myself properly and in a more rhetorical way, and try not to let it impede my work.

As Sun Tsu wisely says, pick your battles. Or as the internet community has blessed us with its wit, if you win, you're still retarded. There's no point fighting an argument you can't win. Better to work in a way that lets your will prevail subtley, or at least lets you keep your own moral bearing. How can I do that though? I don't know, I'll have to wait and see.

Most important thing is to remain cool. Getting upset just won't do any good.

Where else but Queensland?

2004-08-31T02:13:45Z

That's right - after 24 years of living in the world's most beautiful city, it's time to pack up the tent and move on. Unlike Abraham, though, I actually know where I'm going - to Brisbane. It's supposed to be a city of similar ilk to Sydney, but I know it's got fewer population, and it's going to be smaller. And when you roleplay and tabletop wargame, a smaller population means it's harder to find others that share your passion.

But the move will be good too. It means we have to tie up all the loose ends down here in NSW, but it also means we get to explore new horizons, meet new people. Hopefully our friends up there will be more open to talk about Christianity personally, and not simply discard it as the autocracy of a bygone era, or the crutch of the weak. There's lots we can hope for, but I'm trying to keep myself under control, so that there's no big expectations, no disappointments. The less we expect from Brisbane, the more it will give us.

Oh, and yes they do have electricity and phone, I hear, but cable internet is not widespread, and so hopefully we'll find a place that can be hooked up with SOME kind of broadband connection!

fizban_007 @ 2004-07-06T07:09:00

2004-07-05T23:13:30Z

The longest trip you can take is the one that takes you home. And I'm almost there - a couple more hours till I can get on a plane, the better part of 8 hours on it in the air, and then customs etc... and I'll hopefully see Penny at the airport. And then I'll know I'm at home.

The trip has been full of challenges, joys, and the eventual misery of being away from Penny. Still, as I have documented in my soon-to-be-published "travel diary" (compliments of Adam for the idea), I very nearly caught the travel bug. But I think it's a lot easier to catch when you're single.

Anyway, that's all just my opinion. The trip has been good overall (in fact, I'm having trouble thinking about a bad bit) - I don't know if it was worth the money (but I'm a stingy bugger). It probably was. I did to a hell of a lot of work.

Anyway, stay tuned, and there may be a day-by-day blow of my trip (well, a couple of days have been edited out because of security reasons).

As they say in Deustchland - Auf Wiedersen.

How could I resist posting from another country?

2004-06-24T15:16:11Z

Singapore here, with the free internet that they have in their airports (15 mins only please).

So far I've watched Return of the King (nearly cried again - what a great movie), as well as some movie about Moosepond or something - basically the ex-President runs for mayor of moose-hole-in-ground somewhere, but loveable bumbling Ray Ramano (sigh) runs against him, with hilarious results (sigh).

Also played the Pokemon trading card game on the console thing. What fun. Got beaten at chess by a plane too.

And then I got here, had some guns pointed at me (you mean that's the killing side you're pointing at me? How quaint!) by some children (they had to be younger than me... with MP5s... what a country).

Well, 7 mins remaining... what else to say? The country looks alot like an airport, except with the occasional message in a language I can't understand.

I'm really tired - the clocks say it's 11:16, but really it's quarter past 1am (good ole Aussie time, that is!)

Well, off to Frankfurt now. See you there!

A week to go

2004-06-17T05:47:01Z

I have a week to go before I head off to Cyprus. I don't have my passport, or a bag, or even a great understanding of what I'll be doing once I get off the plane at various destinations - but God will look after me.

I'm keen to take some simple things to give to people as thank yous - haven't found anything yet. I'll probably do that on Saturday. After my game with brother Dave, that is.

I can't say I'm all that excited yet - although I can sort of feel the excitement building in me like a well... or that could be the hunger from this new diet.
Speaking of, I have to see what's for dinner tonight, so I can buy stuff on the way home.

So...damn...hungry!

2004-06-15T01:50:06Z

I can't believe how hungry I am! I used to just work on through, oh it's lunchtime, who'd have thought? But now, I stare at the clock, each minute ticking over slowly, my stomach rebelling against any idea of not going down the street and buying lovely delectable delights of greasy goodness!

Oh the angst! Hey, there's some good teen angst for my livejournal - put me on par with all the others :)

To Cyprus I will go...

2004-05-20T05:58:46Z

So, it seems I am going to Cyprus, but not only. The board has said that if I'm going all the way over there, I must also visit London and Frankfurt.

Now I've stated before, and I'll say it again - Australia is the best place in the whole world by leagues. I can prove this, because I don't need a single visa for my trip. You know why? Because I'm not visiting any tyrannical countries (like America), and every other country on the planet realises that Aussies live in the best place in the world, so they're not likely to illegally immigrate to their country.

So while a trip overseas seems exciting, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited, don't think this is going to turn me into a wind-swept and interesting skylark of a traveller. I'm not about to buy a flying scarf and stand around letting it wave in the wind. Australia's just fine, I'm sure. If I want to go somewhere that they speak foreign, I'll go to Lakemba.

Going to some foreign place is sure to be a lot less fun when you can't take your wife anyway.

Regular submissions

2004-05-13T05:46:27Z

I decided to put a thing in my Outlook calendar to tell me to make a daily submission to my Livejournal... interesting thought. On those days I actually feel like saying something, I do. On the other days, I just skip it.

I'm currently writing a report to tell the board what I've accomplished since they last met. They never really took that much interest beforehand - I wonder if this is a mark of things to come? I don't really like the idea of being directly accountable to the board - they're slow and a pain to deal with.

They decide, among other things, whether I should go to Cyprus end June. But they might just get vetoed by the fact that I don't have a passport, me being a xenophobic (read: poor) little weiner who's never left Australia in his waking memory. Went to Tasmania once, which is nearly the same thing. So I might not get a visa in time.

Anyway, you live and learn. I mean, I could have got my passport 6 months ago, but what's the point if you're not going anywhere?

6 months gone where?

2004-05-10T01:48:40Z

Isn't it incredible what can happen in 6 months?

Well, my car is stupid as always, but at least it's affordably stupid *waits for car to break into eleventy thousand pieces*.

Happily married for a year now. Is there a better milestone than that which measures your married life? Great thing, marriage.

Anyway, why am I here? Two things. One, I'm possibly going to Cyprus come the end of June. That's pretty exciting stuff. But it's only a might, and even if it's a yes, it will only be for a week max. Still, nothing to sneeze at.

Secondly, I just read an article by Donald Jacobs called "Christians and Politics: A Rocky Friendship" in World Pulse. Interesting article, but I'm not a big fan of his attitude.

"Our governments are corrupt" says Jacobs, meaning it to be the catchcry of Christians everywhere. And how true. His solution is for Christians to get into politics - but not really. Because in the past (he sites Constantine and the Crusades) things have been done badly in the name of Christianity.

He says that every time Christianity and politics marry, the kids forget that they had a Christian heritage. It's a good illustration, better were it true. What has usually happened is that people steal the name of Christianity and plaster it to their cause, soiling our good name.

Damn them.

People who aren't Christian but call themselves Christian really get on my goat. There should be a 'hypocrisy' law. But then, I'd probably be in jail too. Of course, Christians argue about a whole heap of stuff. I know what my definition of a Christian is. Sometimes I think of calling it something else, just so we can cut the Christian name, leave it behind to the idiots, the hypocrites, the liberals, and get a real name.

The Carpentierian Jesusists. We believe:

That there is only one God, revealed in trinity: God the father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit

That God has revealed himself in the Holy Bible (Old and New Testament, not the apocrypha), and that he has blessed that book to be innerant, infallible and good reading too.

That to be a Carpentierian Jesusist, you must believe that Jesus is the Son of God, begotten not created, that he is the Christ, anointed one of God - Messiah, that he lived a real life, died a real death on the cross, and was resurrected again 3 days later in bodily form, that his death was an atonement for mankind's rebellion against God, and that to be saved from God's wrath you must believe that it is only through Jesus' death and rising again that you will be saved.

That there are different interpretations of some other things in the Bible, but that as long as they don't overrule the above statements, we don't care.

There you go. Join my church today. Become a Jesusist! And get involved in politics.

My life in the new year

2004-01-09T05:06:57Z

I can't believe how some small things can change my view, my feelings, and generally my outlook on life.

My car, as per usual, is costing me sweet tasty fortunes of cold hard cash.

My job is really piling on pressure at the moment, and I'm in a position where I feel I can't adequately do what I need to.

I'm so tired.

Roleplaying has been haphazard and stale of late. Sure, I run a munchkin game presently, but I've really been disillusioned with RP lately.

And with all these things together, I get very depressed. Today I actually considered, for a moment, quitting and getting a job in a service station again. A service station! What the hell's wrong with me? I know I'd be miserable. But I guess because I'm miserable now, I just figure that I may as well be miserable but less stressed. I know I'd be pretty less stressed working at my Dad's servo in Tassie...

But no. I won't do that. I don't know what I will do about my car. On that I am completely stumped. I don't want a car anymore. I hate driving, I hate paying, I hate thinking about it. I just want it to go away, to leave me alone. I want everything to go away and leave me alone.

Atheism and escapism

2003-11-18T01:41:06Z

Though there is no shortage of conservative Christians who will tell you that escapism is bad and evil and God will toast your figgin should you partake in it (particularly if it involves magic, the occult, frogs or anything else), I would instead seek to understand more about the atheistic mind and its regards to escapism.

I used to be an atheist, but it's a hard thing to think back to. I know several, and most are roleplayers. That just goes to show the circles I travel in.

CS Lewis in talking about atheism says that just as the Christian doubts there is a God, the athiest doubts there isn't. I don't know about that, but it's an interesting thought.

The real question I pose is this. An atheist, by definition, assumes that there is nothing beyond life - perhaps that we are intelligent monkeys and that we tend to want our lives to be more meaningful than they are, because we can imagine meaning and it's nice. Theist believers, on the other hand, believe that there is meaning to life. What they believe apart from that is immaterial.

So which one is more able to roleplay a character that does believe that the actions they take have meaning? Agree with me for a moment that PCs are going to be involved in something more important than your average joe. Otherwise, why roleplay? That's what escapism is at least partly about - being something more than you are in real life, a bit of wishful thinking. Now Vincent has said, rightly, that roleplaying is also a form of social expression - although I will note that the White Wolf people have stated that you should not try to make a social point if in control of a roleplaying game. Is it part of the fun? Who knows. It's a personal thing I guess. Some people aren't interested in making social commentary in everything they do, they just want to bash the monster and get the treasure. Ahh, munchkin.

Anyway, that's just a thought from me.

May? MAY!

2003-10-31T02:42:23Z

Who'd have thought that since May I would be happily married, living in Eastwood, running a game about superheroes, and writing again in my livejournal!?!

I haven't taken the time to read my previous incoherent ramblings except to see that the last time I wrote was May. Which is only 6 months or less ago. Which is pretty good for me I would think. But again that would require me looking back, which I will probably do, but not till after I've written this, so you won't hear my opinions about it.

Anyway, enough rambling. What is it I wish to say that will at least keep this record of my history alive and kicking and worth checking every 6 months or so.

Well, currently I am trying to debunk CS Lewis' contention that the Bible does not tell us how Christ's death acts in a substitutionary fashion.

Lewis is saying that although the Bible makes it clear that Jesus' death allows us to go to heaven, it doesn't say why this death is necessary, what the scheme behind it is. It's an interesting point, but at present I would say that Romans 3:25-26 stands with me in saying that it is a justice issue. Beyond that though I'm at odds to find a description that I would commonly use.

The point? Why aren't I reading my Bible more. If this sort of thing can come up and be a question for me, and I couldn't think of a verse to nail it down with, I'm a bit disappointed in myself.

But that's ok. Live and learn. I will continue to read 'Mere Christianity' by CS Lewis and see what else he has to say.

Interestingly enough, just to add a post script, Beppie told me that in this book Lewis states that people can get to heaven outside of Christ. I haven't come across that yet - I'll be interested to see what I find. Perhaps she misread something, coming from a postmodern post-Christian context. After all, the book's 50 or so years old.

My book and other things

2003-05-20T04:39:01Z

It's been about a month since I posted last. About once a month, that's fairly typical - an easy load to carry I think.

Since last writing, I've gotten married, got a place of my own, published another magazine and a DPG, and everything seems ok.

I have been thinking more about my book, and ideas for it. I guess it is as much for me as it is for anyone, but as I was told a while ago, some people just need things set out and written down.

I've been trying to think of main points for it:

Players should have fun

Never give them what they want

DMs are the authority (or Take No Crap)

Optimum player numbers

Magic (In my experience, a whole section of most RPGs involves magic, supernatural ability, or something that not-everyone-has. As such, my book should have an entire section dedicated to the right use of this thing)

Changing the world

When does it end?

There's a few ideas... perhaps I'll flesh more out next month.

An addition to my book?

2003-05-20T04:33:52Z

Thank you for your input.

The game is, as such, not about seeking some mystical 'enlightenment', as it were, to which arete is a measure. Arete measures two things; one a roleplaying compliment, the other a game mechanic.

The game mechanic is of course, simply, power. The more arete, the more dice, the better and faster stuff can happen. Simple enough. However, someone with arete 5 and 1 point in each sphere would be no match for, say, someone with 3 arete and 3 points in any given sphere. Power, then, is a combination of arete and actual sphere giftedness. I have no problem doling out arete, if people are prepared to suffer the seekings that preclude it. The second thing that arete is a measure of will explain more about why.

The roleplaying compliment, as I see it, is this: arete measures the ability of a mage to comprehend their ability to use magic, their understanding of magic in general, and the like. To my mind, it is quite allowable for someone's character to speed up the ranks of arete (especially if they have an agreeable avatar), even though their knowledge of spheres is still quite low. However, it is entirely up to the player to decide if their character is up to the task. Quite simply, if their character is not, they will fail their seeking, and quite possibly lose their character (witness Sunflower). Who judges whether their character is up for it? Well, up until they ask for a seeking, it's the player. When they ask for the seeking, it's me. If we don't see eye to eye, (ie I don't think the character's ready) I'll punish them lightly or harshly. Such is the life of a mage - those who seek power too quickly will oft become instruments of the wyrm, or of Entropy, or go mad. This stuff happens more often than most mages would like to believe - but the truth is that only those mages with a firm grounding within their traditions and with a good relationship with their mentor have a chance of surviving an arete seeking of 5 or more. The vast, vast, vast majority of mages (young upstarts and orphans alike) end up dead, or worse.

Finally, two more things come into play here. One is a calculated experiment that I am currently testing - that of making games end. My games usually peter off, rather than come to a conclusive finish. This Mage game may also peter off, but it may finish, and a good proportion of the ifs and buts rely on the speed of arete gain. I wasn't expecting you to know that, but now you do, and you can feel free to watch and see what happens in this case.

The second and more important aspect is to show characters - quite possibly by example if need be, that 'enlightenment' or some form of leet knowledge about magic is not the aim of this game. Mage is quite possibly far more complicated in its fundamental aim than even Vampire. Not many Vampire characters seek Golconda, or eternal rest, or any sort of salvation. Most whinge and angst, or revel in their vampirism and power. That is not the game (not even with Sabbat, though it could more readily be argued). No, Vampire is wrapped up perfectly in the saying "Monsters we are, lest monsters we become". Mage, however, is all about Ascension. Whether it be personal or global, Ascension is what Mage is all about, is what all mages seek, and what very, very few mages ever get. In the same way that very few vampires ever even seek out Golconda, in the end very few mages ever seek Ascension - the power politics, the thirst for magical superiority, even the war against the Technocracy, just take up all their time and energy. It is true to say that the path to Ascension lies within magic: but you must not go that extra step and assume that arete is linked in any way to Ascension. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the likelihood of Ascension is inversely proportial to the arete of any particular mage and, in a way paradoxically, their standing and influence within any one tradition.

And so it goes. Life, time and the DM do not give perfect answers - nor do they seek to. Paradox, dichotomy and seeming contradiction are the meat and drink of mages, and funnily enough, of Ben's World of Darkness too.

I hope this little tirade helps you to understand how I see the game mechanics, what I measure and value in the game, and also a little bit more about roleplaying overall. This conversation is, of course, copywrited, as it may very well go into my book (rofl).

Cheers,

Fiz

When the mood takes me

2003-04-11T00:10:38Z

Lately I have been thinking "I should post something in my LJ."

For some reason, I have a feeling that I should be once again sharing with the world (ie nobody) my general thoughts, or perhaps just putting stuff down for posterity.

I am so excited about getting married! I don't really show it, but if course I am. I am a bit worried about how much everything is costing, but I see it as an investment into a healthy marriage.

I've been thinking of writing a book about running a good roleplaying game. I'm not a book writer though, and I really don't think I run that great a game. Perhaps I have high standards though.

Oh well, that's all from me for the time being. The good thing about sitting in front of a computer all day is that you can just quickly jump into LJ and type a few quick words.

Byenah.

I am poor

2003-04-03T23:05:38Z

I have less than $50 in the bank, I need to pay for a mage book for Jaime (I finally found one, but I only have 7 days to buy it), pay for the AMT dinner tonight, and then live for the next 2 weeks (I get paid on the 16th). My tooth hurts, but I've only got $27.50 of expendable income in May, so I can't afford any dental work either. I have a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, its dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses.

Obviously I can't do all these things. Sigh.

PS I don't really have half a pack of cigarettes. Or sunglasses. And it's not dark either. There is far more than 106 miles to Chicago. Overall, my semblance to anyone with the last name 'Blues' is purely coincidental.

Long time no entry

2003-01-08T23:05:43Z

I know I haven't written here for a long, long time, although as yet I haven't checked to see how long ago my last entry was.

But I suffered something today that I believe needs to be documented into the halls of Ben history - root canal.

Basically put, the dentist puts a baloon around your tooth, then drills the top off, and there are these little canals or holes, filled with 'pulp', which is nerves and soft tissue. The dentist then gets these things about the size of a needle with scraping type heads on them, and sticks them into the holes, scraping up and down to remove all the pulp. Then he gets a slightly bigger one, and does it again. And again. And again. I think there was four sizes of these metal scraper needle things.

The pain is incredible, in the fullest, most fantastical sense of the word. I cannot describe to you the pain that I felt, only to say that it is far superior to any pain I have ever felt in my life. My hands shake just thinking about this pain.

I wish Penny were here to comfort me. I want to see her, I want to cry. I did cry in the chair when the dentist was causing me these huge amounts of pain (after TWO injections, mind you), I didn't move an inch, which I think is a great credit to me and my upbringing, but my tears welled and I howled, well, my mouth was full of balloon, so I whimpered.

Most pain you forget - that's the one mercy of pain, that it comes, stays a while sometimes, then all that's left is a memory of "Gee, that really hurt". I will never forget this pain, when I felt it, I knew it was being burned, scarred into my brain.

Sick

2002-08-30T01:38:56Z

I'm sick, so I can afford to write some stuff here instead of going to work today. But it means I have to go to work Monday (I probably would have had to anyway, and I'll probably have to next monday too, poodoo).

Life, though, is good, I just got two bags of clean clothes from my mum, who didn't bat an eyelid when I said I might get a motorbike rather than a car... which I find odd. She still wants me to come home, where everything is 'easier', but I really like it here, I don't want out any time soon, although it would be sooooooo much cheaper to live there. She brought me some cold and flu medicine, like a true mum, and stole some lemons.

I want to see Penny. I've finished this damn ALP tax thing, but now I've got to fax it to them, with the signature of my branch president! Bugger! And it's due today, not tomorrow. Of course, today is friday, I should have realised that.

I've also got to decide whether to run Gnomes tonight or not. It's the last study, but I feel sick. Perhaps I should run Gnomes every second Friday? Perhaps I should run it without girls? It seems a shame, but, well, thems the breaks I guess. I cannot in good conscience run this group without a female leader, there's just too much at stake. Must learn to pray for Gnomes more... Cheryl pointed this out, and I think it's a major flaw. Also must pray for Brian and Hiltrud, and the Hamiltons, because they all need it.

We passed!

2002-08-15T10:26:56Z

Ok, sure, so there's a heap of junk outside, the pool is cracked and empty, and the grass hasn't been mowed for months. But hey, who cares? The elders came, saw, and left again! Turrah for us! The place looks pretty spick, to me anyway.

So good.

2002-08-12T02:03:07Z

Ok, life has taken such a great turn lately, I felt I should write a non-angsty post about it.

I had the most awesome weekend with Penny. We didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but it was just perfect. I hope our whole lives are like that, but more realistically, I hope 2 days out of every 5 will be that good.

My job is great. Now I know what it means to have job satisfaction. True, it's only been 2 weeks, but I'm really happy with it. Life, as we know it, is good.

But it's still 8 months till I get married. Tense, but exciting, just thinking about it. And next weekend we go up the Mountains. Ahh, this is the life.

Why do I feel bad when everything is so good?

2002-08-03T15:02:39Z

I've left BP behind me, never to work there again.

I've had a great day cleaning with Adam, had a good dinner, heard David Cook speak on sexual impurity, and spent an evening with Bruce and Jade.

I've got a great job at AMT, a really good job. I love it.

Why do I feel so down?

Perhaps because I'm alone, I feel lonely.

Perhaps because I don't think I'll ever get my car on the road again, and that just really cuts me.

Perhaps because I really, really miss Penny. But I don't know if I want to keep spending nights there.

Perhaps because I miss Lyndal and Cynthia, two of my closest female friends.

Perhaps because I miss all my friends.

Perhaps because I missed Paul's birthday.

Perhaps because I don't have someone. That is such a deepseated weight on me, but if you're reading this, the chances are you would not understand, or that I just can't explain, so I won't even try here. Well, perhaps I will, it will stop me from having to explain it anyway, because I would never put this into verbal words, or even discuss it. Ever, take that into account before you read on.

Perhaps, on second thought, I'll just put it somewhere else, to explain it to me.

Poem for a feast?

2002-07-30T08:34:53Z

The King of MACDAS took his blow,
It was a worthy kill.
The expert, Pete, rebuked him for
His lack of melee skill.
Ooooh, Feast till the dark night,
Drink to the moonlight.

Jim's Army marched in force that day,
Brave against Dane Lor
Oooooh, kid after kid they fall,
That's all that they're good for.

As side by side, we'll drink tonight,
To face them all once more.
Oooooh.

I hear Geoff's drunken rantings,
About some 12 year old.
I'm wearing all my armour tonight,
Because it's so goddamn cold.

The fruitcake that good old Paul brought
Was the tastiest thing we had.
The chicken Cider stew was good,
The walks to camp were bad.
Feast till the dark night,
Drink to the moonlight.

Ben was drinking Tooheys Old,
The mead and ale did flow.
"More" is the common cry,
For tomorrow we die.
The fields are filled with good and bad,
A hundred in a row.
Oooooh.
Oh well, the nights are long,
The campfires burn low.
Tonight is much colder,
We're expecting it to snow.

The pain of loss cannot exceed,
A blow aimed at the groin.
The market's open all day long,
To take your precious coin.
Ooooh, you have an empty purse,
It's every students curse.

The minstrel sings of Monty Python,
A hundred times or more.
Ooooh, laugh in the dark night,
Drink till the morning light.

The minstrel starts to row the boat,
His courage doesn't lack,
Doesn't lack.

At last, the boat is burning,
The clouds of smoke roll by.
Engulfed in a funeral pyre,
Someone's dog has died.

Let's go back,
Let's go back,
Let's go back,
Let's go back.

SIGH

2002-07-28T11:55:28Z

Why does life become oh so complicated? I'll never be able to look at some people the same again...

I think I am becoming an outcast though my lack of car, being stripped of contact with my friends from MACDAS, which are all Penny's friends too.

Oh well, I've got plenty of friends at Church, so I'm not all that fussed. Sounds pretty mean I guess, but I have never been a person to have time for people who are willing to let me fall by the wayside, and Christians are much better friends at any rate.

It seems that all my life I have been trying so hard to make and keep friends; primary school was such a horrible time that I have trouble remembering anything fun I did with anyone but Scott. And Scott's in another country.

Through High school I was constantly having to organise events and things to do, and for some reason that eludes me, I was always the one making the phone calls, getting people to turn up and actually thinking of crap to do. And if I didn't, then I didn't get invited to the stuff that other people organized. Far out, that thought brings back a wave or 5 of repressed sorrow about my high school years.

If life on this side of the HSC is the same, or if it's perhaps because I have graduated and everyone else is still at Uni, well fine. I got over the whole 'call everyone everytime it seemed there was nothing on and organise something' out of high school, but it seems I may be back there again. If people don't want to think for themselves, or if my only value to them is as a taxi, or I'm easily forgettable, or I'm a crap DM and people just don't want to tell me, or I'm annoying, far out, whatever it is, fine. I can shrug and just go to church and organise things for us all to do there, get invited to lunches, dinners, outings and I'll hang up my DMing hat, stop going to MACDAS, and start another church group for those of us my age or thereabouts.

Ok, I feel like my bitching has just about run out, I've got to drive around alot now.